Okay, as all of you know, Father’s Day is fast approaching. The trumpets shall sound! The dead shall be raised! Sure, Father’s Day may have started out as another bogus Hallmark-kind of holiday, but in my house, “we” (well, “I”) treat this as a National Day of Celebration (requiring all stock markets be closed and that alternate-side-of-the-street parking rules be suspended.)
To that end, knowing where her bread is buttered, my so-called “daughter” sat down and went through the Think Geek catalogue. She informed me that I already had everything they sell and she’s plum out of Father’s Day gift ideas. My despair turned to delight when I received the following press release, excerpted below:
The Identigene DNA Paternity Test Kit continues to gain momentum in the marketplace. Starting today, the over-the-counter DNA paternity test kit is available in 5,500 CVS/pharmacy locations across the country.
With the addition of CVS/pharmacy, the DNA paternity test kit is now available in more than 10,300 stores in 45 states. It will not be offered in
In fewer than eight months since test marketing, Identigene has made convenient, affordable DNA paternity testing available to almost everyone at their local drug store alongside pregnancy tests in the family planning aisle. More than 40,000 people have already taken advantage of this opportunity to get definitive answers to their paternity questions.
This would also be a unique story angle during this week before Father's Day.
The Identigene DNA Paternity Test press room is available online at www.dnatesting.com/presskit. The site provides past releases, high resolution images, b-roll footage and a store locator.
Yes, indeed! If there’s only one present a fellow should get for Father’s Day, this paternity test kit must be it. It adds a whole new perspective to “Nurture” vs. “Nature” vs. “Looks Nothing Like Ya.” The DNA 
Paternity Test collection kit costs $29.99 but the laboratory processing fee is $119.00. Still, for less than $150, think of the liberation so many alleged-Dad’s will feel… especially when gazing upon those teenage lump-o’-acnes who slouch on your couch but who could not possibly have sprung from your loins.
So, for this Father’s Day, I’ll probably be getting two kits as gifts: one from myself and another from some misbegotten children I’ve long been contending with ever since our mail delivery service dramatically improved.
Groucho Marx said it best (when he sang Harry Ruby’s song):
Today, Father, is Father's Day
And we're giving you a tie
It's not much we know
It is just our way of showing you
We think you're a regular guy
You say that it was nice of us to bother
But it really was a pleasure to fuss
For according to our mother
You're our father
And that's good enough for us
Yes, that's good enough for us
Burying the lead, as I am prone to do, one of the best ways one can celebrate a parent is to send them a custom-made “Gizmoz” Movie Creation. From a single head-shot, you can make a 3D animation that is absolutely eye-popping. The site is still in “beta” but you have to check out the Gizmoz technology. Send yourself (or your reputed Father) an hysterical customized video-greeting at the best-of-all possible costs: free. The Gizmoz design team is headed by the incomparable artist and polymath Eyal Gever who is
